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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26573515">1010 vs the inexplicable raccoon army</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfinityUndone/pseuds/InfinityUndone'>InfinityUndone</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The chaotic lives of 1010 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>No Straight Roads (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, I know 1010 have names but I don't feel like using them, Swearing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 11:14:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,538</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26573515</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfinityUndone/pseuds/InfinityUndone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>At 3:02 AM in Baracca Mansion, the members of wildly popular robotic boy band 1010 heard something outside and went to investigate...<br/>And found a raccoon.<br/>And then, chaos ensued.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>1010 &amp; Neon J. (No Straight Roads)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The chaotic lives of 1010 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1939252</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>285</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 3:02 AM</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My first ever fanfic on AO3... and it's a story about K-pop robots and their cyborg war veteran creator/manager/dad fighting an army of unusually powerful feral raccoons. My English teacher would be proud.<br/>Also, please tell me if there's anything wrong with my formatting. If there is, I'll try to fix it.<br/>Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it.</p><p>[Edited 2/14/2021. Nothing major, just wanted to make it fit the style of my later fics and fix a few grammatical errors.]</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All was quiet (for once) in Baracca Mansion. The members of 1010 were all sound asleep, or rather, in sleep mode, and Neon J was getting the first sleep he had in 48 hours. Not a creature was stirring, inside or outside the mansion…</p>
<p>Until one did.</p>
<p><br/>
White was sleeping peacefully, allowing his internal systems to update and repair, when he was brought out of sleep mode by a message in the corner of his vision.</p>
<p><br/>
[WARNING: UNKNOWN NOISE DETECTED IN VICINITY. AWAKE FROM SLEEP MODE? Y/N]</p>
<p><br/>
White chose to ignore it. It was probably just one of the others getting up early. Maybe Neon J checking on them, he did that occasionally. He selected [N] and settled back into sleep mode.</p>
<p><br/>
[WARNING: UNKNOWN NOISE DETECTED IN VICINITY. LOCATION: OUTSIDE. AWAKE FROM SLEEP MODE? Y/N]</p>
<p><br/>
If White had been awake, he would have groaned. It was probably just a stray cat or something. But it was clear the message wouldn’t go away until he found whatever the source of the noise was. Better to just get up and deal with it than to have his sleep mode constantly interrupted.</p>
<p><br/>
He selected [Y] and came back online. Blinking the dust out of his optic lenses, White got out of bed and strode over to the window. Turning on infrared vision, he scanned the backyard, trying to see what his systems were warning him about.</p>
<p><br/>
<em>“Nothing out of the ordinary.”</em> he thought.<em> “God, why did J even program us with these stupid warnings? It’s 3 in the morning! I shouldn’t have to deal with anything at 3 in the morning! Well, except for a party-”</em></p>
<p><br/>
There was a sudden clattering noise from right under his window. White jumped nearly a foot in the air in surprise before quickly looking down to see what it was. He saw nothing, except a blur…</p>
<p><br/>
White thought quickly. While it could be a burglar, he doubted any person could get around J’s home security. It was probably some stray animal digging around looking for trash. But then again, they hadn’t thought anyone could get past the security the first time, and that had ended with Yellows arms getting stolen off his body and sold on eBay. So it was probably better to be safe than sorry.</p>
<p><br/>
“You heard that too?” White turned around to see Green standing in his doorway.</p>
<p><br/>
“Yep. What do you think it is?” Green walked up to the window and peered out of it alongside White.</p>
<p><br/>
“I really,<em> really</em> hope it’s not another fangirl.” Green shuddered.</p>
<p><br/>
“Nah, I don’t think so… It’s too fast to be a person. I think it’s just some animal.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Should we go see what it is?” Green asked hesitantly.</p>
<p><br/>
White thought for a moment. On one hand, literally every horror movie he had ever seen told him <em>“This is a bad idea.”</em> On the other hand, they weren’t normal people, they were androids who could defend themselves. And it probably wasn’t a psycho murderer anyway, so why worry?</p>
<p><br/>
“Yeah, let’s go.” he decided. “But we’ll wake up the others. Safety in numbers and all that.”</p>
<p><br/>
Green agreed and they headed to the other’s rooms. Green went to wake up Yellow, and White headed into Blue’s room.</p>
<p><br/>
Blue’s room was concise and orderly, much like Blue himself. His pet bearded dragons, Petey and Zelda, were relaxing in their terrarium. Blue was lying on his bed, flat on his back, in sleep mode.</p>
<p><br/>
“Hey, wake up.” White reached out and shook him gently. It took a moment, but Blue's eyes flickered back online and he sat up.</p>
<p><br/>
“What do you want? It’s 3 am.” he asked grumpily.</p>
<p><br/>
“I know. But there’s something outside.”</p>
<p><br/>
“What? What is it?”</p>
<p><br/>
“We don’t know. But Green and I heard it, and we want to go see what it is.”</p>
<p><br/>
Blue rolled his eyes. “And why do you need me for this, exactly?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Because,” said White, “If it’s an intruder, we’ll need all the help we can get. And if it’s an animal, you know more about animals than the rest of us.”</p>
<p><br/>
Blue looked faintly impressed at White’s logic. And it was true. Blue was the animal lover of the group. He had to concede. “Fine. Let’s go.”</p>
<p><br/>
They met Green and Yellow in the hallway. “Morning everyone!” Yellow said with sarcastic cheerfulness. “Wanna go wake up Red?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Yep, c’mon.” The four of them headed into Red’s room. Of the group, he had far and away the messiest room. His clothes were strewn about the floor, and the walls were plastered with random posters, mostly of 1010. Red was sprawled across his loft bed in sleep mode.</p>
<p><br/>
Before anyone could stop Yellow, he had slapped Red across the face and yelled “WAKE UP, JACKASS!”</p>
<p><br/>
Red shot awake and stared at Yellow in confusion. “What the hell was that for?!” he demanded.</p>
<p><br/>
“Payback! For cheating in Smash Bros yesterday!” Yellow said triumphantly.</p>
<p><br/>
“I WASN’T CHEATING, YOU JUST SUCK AT THE GAME, <em>YOU LITTLE BI-</em>”</p>
<p><br/>
“Okay!” White cut off Red before he could let loose. “Uh, sorry to wake you up, but we’ve got a situation, and we need your help.”</p>
<p><br/>
“J’s not… having an episode, is he?” Red asked.</p>
<p><br/>
“No, no, nothing like that. White and I heard something outside and we don’t know what it is. We’re all going outside to look.” Green said.</p>
<p><br/>
“Ugh… fiiiiiiine.” Red slid to the floor and the five of them made their way to the stairs.</p>
<p><br/>
As they passed Neon J’s closed door, Green paused and asked. “Do you think we should get him?”</p>
<p><br/>
Everyone stopped and looked at it.</p>
<p><br/>
“Mm, I mean, he’s barely slept in the last few days. I say we leave him.” Blue said.</p>
<p><br/>
“Yeah, and you know how he is. If we wake him up and say we heard something outside, he’ll freak out and put the place on like, full lockdown.” Red added.</p>
<p><br/>
“If there really is anything to worry about outside, we’ll get him. Or we’ll scream loud enough to wake him, either works.” Yellow decided.</p>
<p><br/>
The five of them continued downstairs and to the back door. After they unlocked it, they headed outside, staring tentatively around. There was the tennis court, the pool (that was almost never filled because nobody in the mansion was waterproof) and the garden.</p>
<p><br/>
“Do you see anything?” Blue had turned on his infrared vision, everyone else had turned on their flashlight vision, casting beams of light wherever they looked.</p>
<p><br/>
“No.” Blue replied.</p>
<p><br/>
“Oh man, if it’s another freaking crazy fangirl…” Yellow muttered, wrapping his arms around himself.</p>
<p><br/>
“I thought you liked fangirls.” Red said with a raised eyebrow.</p>
<p><br/>
“I like the ones that cheer at our concerts and send us fanmail. Not the ones that break into our house and rip my arms off to sell online!” exclaimed Yellow.</p>
<p><br/>
“Actually, it was just the one arm we found on eBay. I’m pretty sure she kept the other one.” Green said.</p>
<p><br/>
“Yeah, I bet she mounted it above her fireplace.” smirked Red.</p>
<p><br/>
“Nah, I think she put it in her shrine to us, along with all of her blurry photos she took from a distance with a crappy phone and stuff that's gotten stolen from us backstage.” said White.</p>
<p><br/>
“No, you’re both wrong. I think she cuddles it every night and talks to it like it can hear her.” said Blue.</p>
<p><br/>
“Pffft, I bet she put a ring on it and pretended to get married to it!” chuckled Green.</p>
<p><br/>
“Yeah, and one day she’s gonna die of old age clutching it to her chest and sobbing.” added Red.</p>
<p><br/>
“If the thing doesn’t fall apart before then. I bet if it does, she’ll hold like, a full blown funeral for it. Here lies Yellow’s disembodied arm, my consolation prize after I couldn’t get Yellow himself.” said White.</p>
<p><br/>
The ensuing laughter was interrupted by an extremely loud and close clattering noise.</p>
<p><br/>
“What was that?!” yelped Green. Everyone turned toward the source of the noise, the overturned garbage can nearby. The beams of light emanating from their eyes revealed…</p>
<p><br/>
A raccoon. A raccoon pulled itself from the can and stared at the group, blinking in the sudden light.</p>
<p><br/>
Nobody said anything for a moment before Blue broke the silence. “Aww, it’s just a raccoon.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Ugh, what a relief.” said Yellow.</p>
<p><br/>
“Raccoons aren’t dangerous, are they?” asked White.</p>
<p><br/>
“I mean, they’re not tame, but I don’t think it’ll attack unprovoked. Just leave it alone.” Blue said.</p>
<p><br/>
The raccoon stared up at the group.</p>
<p><br/>
“What are you doing here, little guy?” Green asked. “You won’t find much in our trash, no one in this house needs to eat anything.” The raccoon didn’t answer.</p>
<p><br/>
“He is kinda cute. Let’s make him our mascot!” Yellow said.</p>
<p><br/>
“Dude, what kind of diseases do you think that thing is carrying? It’s a wild animal!” White said in disbelief.</p>
<p><br/>
“I was joking White, jeez. And it's not like we can even get sick anyway.” retorted Yellow.</p>
<p><br/>
“So what should we do? Call Animal Control?” Green asked.</p>
<p><br/>
“Too much of a hassle. Let’s just shoo it away.” Red said. Before Blue could object, Red stepped closer to the raccoon and told it “Shoo! Get out of here!”</p>
<p><br/>
The raccoon didn’t move.</p>
<p><br/>
“Didn’t you hear me? Get out of here! Go!” Red snapped.</p>
<p><br/>
For a moment, it looked like the raccoon was going to listen and run away. But instead, it stood up, gave a loud snarl, and launched itself onto Reds face.</p>
<p><br/>
“GAAAAAAAH OHMYGOD GET IT OFF!” Red screamed hysterically. Everyone else was momentarily frozen in shock as the raccoon clawed at Red’s face and head, while he flailed about and tried futilely to pull it off. “HELP ME!”</p>
<p><br/>
“Jesus!” White snapped out of it and ran forward to try to help his brother. Red fell to the ground as the raccoon continued to ravage his face. His brothers tried to grab the raccoon to pull it off of him, all while it hissed and snarled and Red screamed.</p>
<p><br/>
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHH IT’S RIPPING MY EYE OUT! HELP ME!” Red shrieked. Finally, Yellow grabbed the raccoon and managed to get it off of Red, before tossing it to the ground. The raccoon streaked away and sat hissing next to the pool, while Red was helped to his feet.</p>
<p><br/>
Red was cursing up a storm. His face and head were covered in scratches, and his right optic lens was shattered. White and Green held him steady.</p>
<p><br/>
“WHAT THE FUCK?! I thought you said that it wouldn’t attack me!” Red exclaimed to Blue.</p>
<p><br/>
“I don’t know, you must have provoked it somehow!” Blue said.</p>
<p><br/>
Everyone stared over at the raccoon. It hissed violently back, causing Red to flinch.</p>
<p><br/>
“M-maybe it’s rabid.” Green said.</p>
<p><br/>
“But wouldn’t it be foaming at the mouth or something then?” White asked.</p>
<p><br/>
“Uh, I don’t know much about raccoons, but I’m pretty sure their claws aren’t strong enough to leave scratches in metal.” said Blue.</p>
<p><br/>
“Then what the living hell is that thing?!” demanded Red.</p>
<p>“I don’t know.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Uh… Blue, do you know if raccoons usually travel in packs?” Yellow suddenly whispered.</p>
<p><br/>
Everyone slowly turned to see what Yellow was looking at.</p>
<p><br/>
Behind the original raccoon, slowly crawling out of the empty pool, was another raccoon. And another. And another. And they just kept coming. Until, there was an entire army of raccoons, standing there and staring ominously at the group.</p>
<p><br/>
All was silent until Blue whispered back “No, they do not travel in packs.”</p>
<p><br/>
“Oh what the fuck. What the fuck is happening. I would honestly prefer the crazy fangirl. What the fuck.” whimpered Yellow.</p>
<p><br/>
“Where did they even come from?”</p>
<p><br/>
“What do we do?”</p>
<p><br/>
“Uh… walk slowly back into the house, and don’t make any sudden movements.” whispered Blue.</p>
<p><br/>
The five of them began walking backwards, away from the mass of raccoons. The beady eyes watched their every move. Everything was fine… at least until Green opened the door.</p>
<p><br/>
Suddenly, the lead raccoon let out some kind of a guttural screech, and the entire raccoon army started charging straight at the group, all snarling loudly.</p>
<p><br/>
“AAAAH! RUUUUN!” Blue yelled, frantically sprinting towards the door. Yellow stumbled on his way, and Green grabbed him and pulled him inside. Blue barely got through the door before the raccoons overtook him, and they slammed the door and threw their weight against it, listening to the scrabbling claws and loud snarls coming from the other side and the sound of their own cooling fans struggling...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Total chaos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The last thing you want to be doing at 3 am is fighting an army of inexplicably powerful raccoons, as the residents of Baracca Mansion found out.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was originally going to be the last chapter, but I decided to split it in two due to length. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Neon J was sound asleep. Which was rare. Usually, he was either staying up half the night doing work, or he couldn’t sleep for one reason or another. But not tonight. No random waking up, no insomnia, no nightmares… it was especially sweet given he had barely slept in the last two days. Finally, just peace…</p><p>At least until he heard the screaming.</p><p>Neon J shot straight up, springing back online. In a flash, he was out of bed, pulling on a nearby sweater, while his systems worked to figure out what was happening. Before he had even opened his bedroom door all the way, the source and location of the screams had been identified, those being his sons and the back door. He heard a loud slamming noise that made him jolt.</p><p><br/>Neon J sprinted down the hallway, still trying to figure out what was happening. Lockdown protocols for the mansion were ready to be activated. Was it a kidnapper? A burglar? A repeat of the arm-stealing incident? An enemy soldier?</p><p><em>“No enemy soldiers.</em>” J reminded himself, trying to think as rationally as possible.</p><p>He practically flew down the stairs and ran to where the back door was. There, he was greeted by the sight of his sons holding the door shut, with unearthly snarls coming from the other side.</p><p>“Troops! What is going on?!” he demanded.</p><p>Red looked up and Neon J gave a start when he saw his face. The metal was scratched all over and his right eye was missing. “Uh, hey Dad. We’ve got a situation.”</p><p>“Help us hold the door! They’re gonna break through!” called White.</p><p>Neon J ran forward and threw his weight against the door, planting his feet firmly. The snarling coming from the other side grew angrier.</p><p>“What are they?!” J asked White.</p><p>“Raccoons.”</p><p>Neon J stared at White. Of all the answers he could have gotten, he had not expected that one.</p><p>“Mission report, now!” he barked.</p><p>“Yessir!” White said. “Green and I got woken up by a noise in the backyard, and the five of us went to check it out. When we got out there it was a raccoon. It attacked Red, and it turns out it had a lot of friends with it, and they are currently trying to break through this door.”</p><p>Neon J looked at Red. “A raccoon? One single raccoon did that to you?”</p><p>“Yessir! It was one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me.”</p><p>Neon J looked over at Blue, who sensed the question he was about to ask. “No, that is not a normal raccoon thing. They usually cannot scratch metal and they do not travel in giant packs. Or attack houses and try to break down doors.”</p><p>“Are you sure they’re raccoons, then?” asked Neon J.</p><p>“Whatever they are, they look like raccoons!”</p><p>Neon J took a deep breath. Or, he took his equivalent of a deep breath. And then he started issuing orders.</p><p>“Right, troops! I am going to activate lockdown protocols! Blue, you call Animal Control! Green and Yellow, you get the security bots running, and send them to trap the raccoons in the pool! Red and White, you stay here and keep the door closed until lockdown commences!”</p><p>“SIR YES SIR!” the members of 1010 yelled in unison.</p><p>Green and Yellow ran down the hall to get the security bots. Blue grabbed his phone and began dialing. Red and White struggled to hold back the increasingly vicious raccoons.</p><p>Neon J pulled up the mansions security protocols on his screen along with security camera access. To his shock, the raccoons were moving away from the door, and heading to the windows.</p><p>“<em>These bastards can think, then</em>.” J thought grimly, before initiating lockdown procedures. Sheets of reinforced metal slammed down in front of all the doors and windows to the outside, sealing out the vicious mob of raccoons.</p><p>“Yes, an army of feral raccoons.” Blue was saying into the phone. “What? I’m telling the truth, I swear! Listen for yourself!” He ran over to the window and held the phone up to it. Even through the metal, the snarls were audible.</p><p>“Now do you believe me?” he asked whoever was on the other end. “They’re trying to get in the house and I don’t know how long we can hold out for! ...Yes. ok. Alright, thank you. Please hurry.” Blue hung up and called over to the others, “Animal Control is on the way. I don’t know how long it’ll take.”</p><p>Yellow and Green came running back into the room. “We’ve got the security bots running, sir!” Yellow said. “They’re on their way out now!”</p><p>Neon J accessed the cameras and sent the boys the camera feed, so they could tell what was going on outside. Through the cameras, they could see the five hulking, shiny metallic security bots head outside through the security doors, and converge on the raccoons, taser hands and nets at the ready to try to herd the raccoons into the pool. <strong>“DO NOT RESIST.”</strong> the lead bot said. The lead raccoon gave another screeching hiss in response, and the raccoon army all turned in unison to the bots.</p><p>What followed was so awful Neon J cut his own access to the feed because it was bringing back unpleasant memories. He could still tell what was going on, just from the sounds coming from outside and the horrified reactions of 1010. Eventually, when the grinding and crunching noises stopped, J checked the cameras again. The security bots had been completely annihilated by the raccoons. Not much was left other than some oil-stained metal parts and circuitry, trampled under the paws of the enraged raccoons.</p><p>“Jesus Christ.” whispered Blue after a moment of silence.</p><p>“Oh God oh fuck,” whimpered Yellow. “We’re gonna die horrible deaths.”</p><p>“NOBODY is dying here tonight! Not on my watch!” Neon J snapped. “Now, Green! Are there any more security bots ready for deployment?”</p><p>“No! The other ones are all shut down! It’ll take time to get them up and running!”</p><p>“Time that we don’t have.” muttered Neon J. “Alright troops, we need to-”</p><p>He was cut off by an incredibly loud sawing noise coming from one of the kitchen windows. Everyone turned just in time to see the metal covering fall to the floor, and a triumphant raccoon standing in the window, revving a saw that J recognized as coming from the security bots.</p><p>“What the-”</p><p>“Oh shit, it’s inside!” Yellow and Red both sprinted forward. The raccoon hissed angrily and jumped at them, raising the whirling sawblades aloft...</p><p>The next thing everyone knew, Yellow was screaming hysterically, his right arm was lying on the ground, and the raccoon grabbed it and hopped out the window.</p><p>“Did that just happen?!” gasped Green.</p><p>“OH MY GOD! IT TOOK OFF MY ARM!” Yellow shrieked, staring in shock at the sparking wires dangling from where his elbow joint had just been. “WHAT THE FUCK!”</p><p>“HELP ME COVER THE WINDOW, THEY’RE GONNA GET INSIDE!” Red yelled. Blue and Green recovered their senses and ran to help him.</p><p>“Dad, they’re going to get through, no matter what!” White exclaimed.</p><p>Neon J thought quickly. Obviously, these were no ordinary raccoons. If they took down five security bots and were smart enough to use a saw, then they stood no chance against them. It was time to hide.</p><p>“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WE’RE GONNA DIE!”</p><p>“THEY KNOW ABOUT THE OPEN WINDOW!”</p><p>“I CAN’T BELIEVE WE’RE GONNA GET KILLED BY FUCKING RACCOONS!”</p><p>“Everybody stay calm- stay calm- STAY FUCKING CALM! FUCKING CALM DOWN!”</p><p>“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”</p><p>“ATTEN-SHUN!” Neon J yelled. The panicking members of 1010 stopped freaking out and stared at him.</p><p>“Troops, there comes a time in every soldier's life where he has to make a tactical retreat. Follow me!”</p><p>Neon J glanced at the security cameras. The raccoons were making their way to the compromised window. It wouldn’t be long before the mansion was breached. He ran over to a full length cupboard, opened it, and pressed a hidden button in the wood. A hidden panel in the back of the cupboard swung open to reveal a small room behind it.</p><p>“Get in! This bunker will hide us from the raccoons.” The boys quickly squeezed into the room, except for Blue, who was running in the opposite direction.</p><p>“BLUE! Where are you going, soldier?!” Neon J demanded.</p><p>“I have to go rescue Petey and Zelda! The raccoons will kill them if they find them!”</p><p>“That’ll take too long! You need to get inside the bunker!”</p><p>“I’m not leaving them to the mercy of those things!” Blue turned back to the stairs.</p><p>Neon J grabbed Blue’s shoulder and spun him around to face him. “Listen to me, Blue. The raccoons won’t get to your lizards. I’ve sealed off the second floor, and all the individual rooms. Even if they do break into the second floor, they won’t get to your room before reinforcements arrive. Petey and Zelda will be fine. You have my word.”</p><p>Blue sighed. “Okay.” Neon J led him into the bunker, and closed the panel seconds before hearing the sounds of raccoons entering the mansion.</p><p>The bunker wasn’t very large, so everyone was standing uncomfortably shoulder-to-shoulder in it. For a couple minutes, there was no sound other than the dangerously close snarls of the raccoons, the sounds of things breaking, and everyone’s cooling fans struggling.</p><p>Eventually, Red whispered “What do we do?”</p><p>Neon J glared at him and sent a message directly to their heads.</p><p>
  <strong>Neon J: Don’t make a sound.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Red: Okay, sorry. What do we do?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Neon J: Nothing. We wait, and hopefully they don’t find us.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Green: What if they do?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Neon J: We defend ourselves, that’s what.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Green: Oh.</strong>
</p><p>There was a loud crashing noise from right outside the cupboard that made everyone flinch.</p><p>
  <strong>Yellow: I can’t believe I lost another arm, and to a fricken raccoon of all things!</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>White: Yeah, that’s pretty embarrassing.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Yellow: I’m gonna hate raccoons forever.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Red: At least your arm got sawed off quick, that raccoon was scratching the shit out of my face for like 30 seconds. It was the worst.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Yellow: I’m never gonna be able to watch Guardians of the Galaxy again.</strong>
</p><p>Everyone froze as the sounds of scrabbling claws became apparent on the cupboard, but relaxed a bit when they died down.</p><p>
  <strong>White: Do you think they know we’re here?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Neon J: If they did, they’d be on us already.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>White: True.</strong>
</p><p>Blue was typing something in the notes on his phone. White peeked over his shoulder and saw what he was writing: <em>I, Blue 1010, being of sound mind and body, hereby make, publish, and declare the following to be my last will and testament…</em></p><p>
  <strong>White: Blue, are you writing your will?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Blue: Yes.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Yellow: Ooh, what are you leaving me? Petey and Zelda?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Blue: No, I’m leaving them to Green.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Green: Really?! I’m so honored!</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Neon J: That’s enough, boys. Blue, you don’t need a will. These raccoons aren’t finding us.</strong>
</p><p>Nobody said anything for a few minutes, just listening to the raccoons ravaging the mansion.</p><p>
  <strong>Green: Hey, so if we die...</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Neon J: Which we will not.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Green: But just in case, I want you guys to know… That I was the one who broke the upstairs TV.</strong>
</p><p>Everyone turned to stare at him in surprise.</p><p>
  <strong>Yellow: That was you? I thought it was Red!</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Green: Which was why I didn’t say anything.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Red: Ha! I told you guys it wasn’t me! But did you listen?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Yellow: Well, if we’re all confessing things, I guess I might as well tell you guys. Blue, your Pokemon save file didn’t get lost, I deleted it by accident. Sorry.</strong>
</p><p>Blue gave an audible gasp and whirled around to face Yellow.</p><p>
  <strong>Blue: Are you fucking serious? You did that? Fuck you! You’re out of my will! If we weren’t hiding from angry raccoons, I would fucking throttle you!</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Neon J: Get ahold of yourself, soldier!</strong>
</p><p>Blue steamed silently.</p><p>
  <strong>White: This isn’t actually a bad thing, but I want to get it off my chest. Guys, I think we should expand our brand into other genres of music.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Green: Like what?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>White: I… I really want to try our hand at rock music.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Yellow: Really? Why?</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>White: I don’t know! Ever since we fought Bunk Bed Junction, I haven’t been able to stop humming their music! I even bought one of their albums in secret!</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Green: Well, maybe when all this is over, we can-</strong>
</p><p>And then, there was a creaking noise from right in front of them. The six of them stared in horror as the panel began to open, and light flooded into the bunker. The shadow of a single raccoon fell over the group.</p><p>For a second, nobody reacted.</p><p>“What do we do?” gasped White.</p><p>Neon J answered that question by punting the raccoon across the room.</p><p>The raccoon hit the opposite wall and lay stunned for a few seconds before staggering to its feet. It stared at them for a second in disbelief, before giving a loud screech. Elsewhere in the house, the rest of the raccoons stopped what they were doing before charging to their comrades' aid.</p><p>“WE FIGHT!” Neon J yelled at the top of his lungs. “TROOPS, LET’S GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT ON THE WAY TO THE POUND!”</p><p>As the raccoon army swarmed into the kitchen, 1010 and Neon J charged at them, ready for a fight. The raccoon army met them, and the battle had begun.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Raccoon Rumble</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>If there was one thing the members of 1010 thought they would never have to find out first-hand, it was how to fight raccoons.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>No raccoons were harmed in the making of this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The battle was fought, pitched and brutal. Combatants on both sides would remember until their dying hours the events of that day. Well, it was more like a few minutes, but it was an extremely memorable few minutes.</p><p>1010 used every bit of battle knowledge that Neon J had programmed them with that day, or at least the relevant bits. Punching and kicking and using every tool in their possession to get the raccoons out of their way. The raccoon’s claws and fangs scraped loudly against their metallic bodies as they tried to overwhelm them.</p><p>Neon J was also in top form. Not a single raccoon got more than a scratch on him before he sent it flying. At one point, a wall of raccoons advanced towards him, and he punched right through it.</p><p>The raccoons were tough as nails, though. No matter what they did to them, the worst they could do was knock the raccoons unconscious. Even their bullets, the most powerful tool in their arsenal, had no real effect on their foes.</p><p>Despite the groups fighting prowess, the raccoons just kept coming. In fact, their numbers seemed to have doubled since they had crawled out of the pool. When the next wave of raccoons swarmed into the kitchen-turned-battlefield, Neon J wondered if this was all some really weird dream he was having.</p><p>“Goddamn TRASH PANDAS!” Red yelled in a rage while swinging a raccoon around him to knock out other raccoons. “They keep coming!”</p><p>“Yeah, we can’t survive much more of this, Dad,” Blue called while ripping the kitchen island from the floor and hurling it at the approaching wave of raccoons to slow them down. “We need to escape!”</p><p>“We have no escape route!” Neon J yelled. He grabbed the toaster off of the counter and threw it with deadly precision at a screeching raccoon jumping at him. “We don’t have an opening to that broken window!”</p><p>“Well, if we stay here, they’re gonna win based on sheer numbers!” White yelled while German-suplexing a raccoon. “We may have to risk it!”</p><p>Neon J did some quick calculations, and checked the camera feed. The broken window wasn’t an option. There were still far too many raccoons in that area. They would need another way out…</p><p>“Alright troops, ready your bullets!” He ordered. “We’re breaking out of here a different way! Charge your blasts and aim at that wall!”</p><p>“We’re busting a hole in the wall to get out?” Green asked in disbelief.</p><p>“Dude, the first floor is already super destroyed.” Yellow pointed out. “A hole in the wall won’t mean much.”</p><p>“I’ll hold off the raccoons! Now hurry!” Neon J whirled around to face the oncoming horde of raccoons advancing towards them.</p><p>“You infernal bastards may get me…but I’ll<em> never</em> let you get my sons!” And with that declaration, Neon J flung himself into the mass of snarling raccoons, a fork in one hand and a jumper cable in the other, screaming dramatically.</p><p>1010 got into position and aimed at the wall. Behind them, Neon J was flinging raccoons right and left.</p><p>“Ready, aim… FIRE!” White yelled, and they all fired at the wall. The section they were firing at crumbled, leaving behind a lot of drywall, dust, and most importantly, a way out.</p><p>“C’mon! Grab J and go!” Blue ordered.</p><p>The group all ran back to get Neon J. Unfortunately, there was only a huge pile of angry raccoons where he had just been.</p><p>“Where’d he go?” asked Green in horror.</p><p>“Look!” Red pointed at something poking out of the raccoon pile. The end of a jumper cable.</p><p>1010 grabbed the cable and began pulling. After a minute, during which they all silently hoped the cable didn’t break, Neon J’s arm appeared, followed by his upper body, and then the rest of him.</p><p>Neon J struggled to his feet. Through some miracle, he still had all of his robotic limbs, but he was covered in scratches, his screen was a cracked, glitched mess, and his left leg had a massive dent in it, but at least he was still in one piece.</p><p>“Go! Let’s go!” J ordered. Everyone started running to the hole in the wall, the raccoons hot on their trail. They stumbled through the opening and into the cool early morning air.</p><p>The raccoons burst through the wall after them, and chased them across the yard.</p><p>“Get to the front gate! Once we get through, I can electrify it so they can’t follow us!” Neon J yelled.</p><p>The front gates were mere feet away from them, when another group of raccoons cut them off from the other direction. 1010 skidded to a halt, and watched with increasing terror as the raccoons circled around them, trapping them.</p><p>They were surrounded.</p><p>“Oh shit… oh shit…” muttered Yellow.</p><p>“Of all the ways I thought I’d go out, raccoons were something that never crossed my mind.” said Blue resignedly.</p><p>“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…” Green was whimpering over and over again.</p><p>“Troops, stay behind me!” Despite being surrounded, Neon J did his best to get between his sons and the hissing raccoons. If this pack of vermin thought he was going down without a fight, they were sorely mistaken.</p><p>The raccoons snarled in warning, before getting ready to launch themselves at the group. Neon J steeled himself for what was about to happen…</p><p>And just before all hell could break loose, two giant nets fell over the raccoons, trapping them in place.</p><p>“What the-” Neon J exclaimed, looking around in confusion.</p><p>The source of the nets was revealed. Several people in mech suits labelled <strong>Animal Control</strong> came running up to secure the raccoons. One of them approached the group.</p><p>“It’s alright! We’re here now, we’ll take care of this.” The Animal Control officer said.</p><p>1010 immediately started celebrating their survival.</p><p>“WOOHOO! WE SURVIVED!” Red and Green cheered, pumping their fists in the air. “1010 LIVES TO SING ANOTHER DAY!”</p><p>“I have never been so happy to see Animal Control in my entire life.” sighed Blue.</p><p>Yellow hugged the Animal Control guy, much to his surprise. It wasn’t a very good hug, considering he was missing half an arm, but the sentiment was there.</p><p>Neon J took a deep breath and decided to lie on the ground for a few minutes.</p><p>“You alright, Dad?” White asked.</p><p>“Just… relieved to be alive.” Neon J answered.</p><hr/><p>Several hours later, Tatiana was getting up for the day. The sun was rising over Vinyl City, and it marked the start of another busy day of work. Running a city was far from an easy job, after all.</p><p>Tatiana switched on the morning news as she sipped on her morning coffee. It was a decent brew, earthy, bitter, but with a hint of-</p><p>“In other news, Baracca Mansion is in ruins, due to a rather unexpected event- an attack by a pack of feral raccoons.”</p><p>Tatiana nearly spat out her coffee. A <em>what</em> now?</p><p>“1010, the popular boy band and leaders of the Metro Division, were awoken early this morning by a strange noise outside.” the newscaster continued. “When they went to investigate, they were ambushed by feral raccoons, who then proceeded to wreak havoc inside the mansion. We have reporter Aida Megat on the scene now. Aida, I’ll send it over to you.”</p><p>The scene on the TV changed to reveal Barraca mansion. In the background, Animal Control officers in mech suits were carting away snarling raccoons. Tatiana stared at the screen in confusion before turning up the volume.</p><p>“As you can see, Animal Control has the situation under control, but Baracca Mansion is a bit worse for wear.” the reporter said. “Thankfully, it’s residents escaped with only minor injuries. Over here, we have three members of 1010 available for comment.”</p><p>The camera panned over to reveal Yellow, Blue and White sitting on the curb. Neither of them looked too good, they were all scratched up, and when Tatiana looked closer she realized Yellow was missing an arm. She could almost hear the fangirls horrified screaming.</p><p>“So, you say a pack of raccoons did all this?” the reporter asked.</p><p>“Yep. Trust me, those are no ordinary raccoons.” White said. “They broke into the house, destroyed our security robots-”</p><p>“Cut off my arm- with a saw, I might add.” Yellow cut in, waving his stump in the air.</p><p>“A saw?” the reporter repeated.</p><p>“Yep! And then it ran off with it. For some reason.”</p><p>“Ah, I see…” the reporter said. “And why exactly did the raccoons attack?”</p><p>“We don’t know.” Blue said. “Like White said, these are clearly not normal raccoons. They’re smart enough to use tools, have coordinated attacks… honestly, if it wasn’t for Neon J, those raccoons probably would have defeated us.”</p><p>Somewhere off camera, one of the other members of 1010 (Tatiana guessed it was Red, based on his tone of voice) yelled “Hey Blue! They’re bringing your lizards out!”</p><p>Blue gasped and ran off yelling “PETEY! ZELDA! COME TO PAPA! I’M HERE!”</p><p>The reporter, White, and Yellow watched him run off, before White turned back to the camera. “Yeah, so as we were saying, those raccoons aren’t to be trifled with. I really hope Animal Control can figure out what was up with them.”</p><p>“Uh huh, and will these events affect your performance schedule?” the reporter asked.</p><p>“Uh, we don’t know yet, right now we’ll have to focus on getting the mansion repaired, getting ourselves repaired, insurance-”</p><p>Tatiana switched off the TV. It was time to go to NSR Tower. And she could already tell it was going to be a weird day.</p><p>But then again, when was life ever not weird in Vinyl City?</p><hr/><p>The following week was an exhausting one for 1010.</p><p>The Animal Control officers managed to get the raccoons out of the mansion (which took some time).</p><p>Neon J spent most of his time trying to get insurance straightened out. It wasn’t easy, but they did end up paying for repairs and replacements.</p><p>Then came the construction. Neon J hired contractors to get the place back in shape while he and 1010 moved what they needed into the NSR Tower (It was the only place where Neon J could set up a workshop to fix himself and 1010).</p><p><em>Then</em>, after he had replaced his own screen and Yellow’s arm and Red’s eye and fixed everyone’s various injuries, they had to go replace everything of theirs the raccoons had destroyed, from kitchen appliances to the downstairs TV.</p><p>And during all of that, there was constant fan outpour of sympathy and donations (which they didn’t need, so in the end 1010 had to make a broadcast telling people to donate to charity instead) and news outlets wanting interviews about the whole thing on top of all their regular duties for NSR.</p><p>So after a week of all that, Neon J was so tired he nearly fell down fifty flights of stairs at NSR Tower, and the boys made him take a break, and sent him on a relaxing vacation when everything had calmed down.</p><p>Blue was so happy Petey and Zelda were okay he carried them around on his shoulders for an entire week.</p><p>Yellow’s missing arm eventually popped up on eBay, significantly battered, but still intact. The seller said that they had pulled it out of a random dumpster. Before Yellow could buy it back, it had been sold, presumably to the fangirl who had stolen Yellow’s other arm months before. Yellow endured much teasing about it from his brothers.</p><p>Every member of Animal Control who had shown up to save them from the raccoons was given a season's V.I.P. pass to all of 1010’s concerts.</p><p>In the end, Baracca Mansion’s first floor was back to normal, with a shiny new security system, 1010 got back to their normal performing schedule, and Neon J got to relax on a sunny beach for a week after it was all over.</p><p>Once he got back, he made waterproof upgrades for everyone, just so they could start filling the pool and hopefully reduce the risk of evil raccoons hiding in it.</p><p>Everyone at the mansion gained a slight paranoia of raccoons. From then on, whenever someone at the mansion heard a noise outside, the security robots were sent out, no matter what. One time, they did find an actual raccoon in the yard. Thankfully, it turned out to not be a monster raccoon, but just to be safe, everyone hid in the newly built raccoon-proof bunker until Animal Control showed up.</p><p>No matter what they did, 1010 never heard anything about the raccoons again. Animal Control had apparently sent them to a facility that could figure out what the hell was up with them, but they never heard anything about it again. The boys threw around quite a few joking theories, but they never got a concrete answer.</p><p>Eventually, the “Raccoon Incident” as it was dubbed, faded into memory. Sometimes, those that had lived through it weren’t even sure it had actually happened. But it was never fully forgotten, because every so often, during a quiet moment, someone would invariably wonder:</p><p>“What the <em>fuck</em> was up with those raccoons?”</p>
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